Sigh, looks like your grandmother was basically the same person as my mom, her sister. Always heard about how I was never enough - not just focused on my appearance, but also on my academic performance.
Yeah, I was heavy as a child and a good part of my adolescence. I know part of it was due to the fact that I was bored, being required to go home directly after school and stay inside. I was flippin' bored, so I'd stress eat. No wonder I was overweight. Plus my mom was also a stress eater, making sure that there were always cookies and cake in the house, with pudding and sugary jello as a treat from time to time, along with ice cream. The only fruit and vegetables were in cans, with the former packed in heavy syrup.
And, when it came to my grades, if I didn't get an A, I was deemed to not be working hard enough.
Anyway, I often wonder who created this toxicity in our family. I really doubt it was my grandmother (your great-grandmother), as she was a sweet person . I kinda think my mom was to blame (your great aunt) as she seemed to look down on EVERYONE in the family and, actually, most people in general. As she was the oldest child, she probably had a lot of influence on her siblings, who probably looked up to her.
Lori, I showed your two posts (about your grandmother) on Facebook to my husband (you know who).
He left a reaction on Facebook: “At least they were compliments.”.
I told him I wonder if his reaction is clear enough, that I thought he meant that he never got compliments. He agreed, but thought you would get the message. He also said “tell them”.
For Rocco this was enough talking about the past. Talking about the past is always too painful for him.
Believe me, I’ve tried. Rocco’s reaction sooner or later is. “Why are you doing this to me. You are (deliberating) hurting me.
Lori, I read your post about your grandmother before and (like with more of your posts) I often feel an urge to react.
Now I see Susan also write about her mother and wonder “who created the toxity’ in your family. I think I feel free now to write.
One thing his mother told my husband was that, when he was born, the nurse had said that he was the ugliest baby she ever had seen. His (high) grades in school were never good enough.
When he asked questions his father beated him up. He witnessed his father abuse his mother.
My husband internalized all those things his parents told him. “I only have what they said about me to go with.”
He still thinks he is ugly and worthless.
He doesn’t recognize compliments or a tender touch.
Most comments or even compliments he takes as criticism.
He blames himself for everything.
Underneath his anger/frustration is so much pain and feelings that no-one understands him and loneliness.
We tried therapy, but he doesn’t trust therapists.
He really is a sweet guy, and I love him dearly. I have enough life experience, psychological training and insight and am strong, independent and nowadays strong enough to deal with this. So I am okay.
It is too bad and sad that I can’t help him (more) with his (existential) struggles. I can only be there.
Too bad that both of you life so far away. I would love too meet both of you and talk (more). Even more, I hope that some time Rocco can have some conversations with (one or both of) you and he will be able to see that he is a survivor of abuse and is not to blame.
Dear Susan, I was kind of surprised to find out that your mother treated you in the same kind of way that Lori and Rocco have been treated and how toxidity was not only in Rocco’s close family.
Dear Lori, my compliments for how you keep on growing and take your life in your own hands. Very powerful.
Gee, I really wonder who planted the seed that superior achievement in school wasn't sufficient and that we had to be perfect? I really don't think my grandmother was the one who created the problem as she was always so sweet and loving to me. Yes, she wasn't the smartest person in the world, but she knew how to nurture and love.
My mother told me that my grandmother completed 6th grade. Looking at that time period - early 1900s, that was totally normal for MOST children, not just girls. I have a feeling that my mother took on the parenting role in the family. Their father died when my mother was in her early 20s and Lorraine was in her teens. I think their brother was in his teens also.
My mother completed commercial high school to become a secretary, so she was probably the most educated of the family at that point. My mother always had a snobby streak and I think that this was one of the triggers for that.
Also, I have a feeling that so much of the household responsibility fell on her shoulders at that point that she was projecting her frustrations on other family members who absorbed that attitude from her. No one did enough, no one was good enough in her eyes - you get the picture.
Yes, their life wasn't easy, but I really think that, at least my mom didn't realize that working together instead of blaming whoever was not the way to solve the problem.
What is interesting is that their brother, George, basically cut himself off from the family. I never met him or any of his kids. Probably he realized that it was not a healthy environment and just essentially divorced his family.
Sigh, looks like your grandmother was basically the same person as my mom, her sister. Always heard about how I was never enough - not just focused on my appearance, but also on my academic performance.
Yeah, I was heavy as a child and a good part of my adolescence. I know part of it was due to the fact that I was bored, being required to go home directly after school and stay inside. I was flippin' bored, so I'd stress eat. No wonder I was overweight. Plus my mom was also a stress eater, making sure that there were always cookies and cake in the house, with pudding and sugary jello as a treat from time to time, along with ice cream. The only fruit and vegetables were in cans, with the former packed in heavy syrup.
And, when it came to my grades, if I didn't get an A, I was deemed to not be working hard enough.
Anyway, I often wonder who created this toxicity in our family. I really doubt it was my grandmother (your great-grandmother), as she was a sweet person . I kinda think my mom was to blame (your great aunt) as she seemed to look down on EVERYONE in the family and, actually, most people in general. As she was the oldest child, she probably had a lot of influence on her siblings, who probably looked up to her.
Hugs, sweetheart. Keep up the good fight.
Dear Lori and Susan,
Lori, I showed your two posts (about your grandmother) on Facebook to my husband (you know who).
He left a reaction on Facebook: “At least they were compliments.”.
I told him I wonder if his reaction is clear enough, that I thought he meant that he never got compliments. He agreed, but thought you would get the message. He also said “tell them”.
For Rocco this was enough talking about the past. Talking about the past is always too painful for him.
Believe me, I’ve tried. Rocco’s reaction sooner or later is. “Why are you doing this to me. You are (deliberating) hurting me.
Lori, I read your post about your grandmother before and (like with more of your posts) I often feel an urge to react.
Now I see Susan also write about her mother and wonder “who created the toxity’ in your family. I think I feel free now to write.
One thing his mother told my husband was that, when he was born, the nurse had said that he was the ugliest baby she ever had seen. His (high) grades in school were never good enough.
When he asked questions his father beated him up. He witnessed his father abuse his mother.
My husband internalized all those things his parents told him. “I only have what they said about me to go with.”
He still thinks he is ugly and worthless.
He doesn’t recognize compliments or a tender touch.
Most comments or even compliments he takes as criticism.
He blames himself for everything.
Underneath his anger/frustration is so much pain and feelings that no-one understands him and loneliness.
We tried therapy, but he doesn’t trust therapists.
He really is a sweet guy, and I love him dearly. I have enough life experience, psychological training and insight and am strong, independent and nowadays strong enough to deal with this. So I am okay.
It is too bad and sad that I can’t help him (more) with his (existential) struggles. I can only be there.
Too bad that both of you life so far away. I would love too meet both of you and talk (more). Even more, I hope that some time Rocco can have some conversations with (one or both of) you and he will be able to see that he is a survivor of abuse and is not to blame.
Dear Susan, I was kind of surprised to find out that your mother treated you in the same kind of way that Lori and Rocco have been treated and how toxidity was not only in Rocco’s close family.
Dear Lori, my compliments for how you keep on growing and take your life in your own hands. Very powerful.
Love and best wishes for both of you.
Take care,
Inge
Thank you Inge! I know my uncle's struggle. I am so thankful that he found you and I hope that we can meet sometime very soon! Heart!
Gee, I really wonder who planted the seed that superior achievement in school wasn't sufficient and that we had to be perfect? I really don't think my grandmother was the one who created the problem as she was always so sweet and loving to me. Yes, she wasn't the smartest person in the world, but she knew how to nurture and love.
My mother told me that my grandmother completed 6th grade. Looking at that time period - early 1900s, that was totally normal for MOST children, not just girls. I have a feeling that my mother took on the parenting role in the family. Their father died when my mother was in her early 20s and Lorraine was in her teens. I think their brother was in his teens also.
My mother completed commercial high school to become a secretary, so she was probably the most educated of the family at that point. My mother always had a snobby streak and I think that this was one of the triggers for that.
Also, I have a feeling that so much of the household responsibility fell on her shoulders at that point that she was projecting her frustrations on other family members who absorbed that attitude from her. No one did enough, no one was good enough in her eyes - you get the picture.
Yes, their life wasn't easy, but I really think that, at least my mom didn't realize that working together instead of blaming whoever was not the way to solve the problem.
What is interesting is that their brother, George, basically cut himself off from the family. I never met him or any of his kids. Probably he realized that it was not a healthy environment and just essentially divorced his family.
Thank you Susan. I appreciate your reply and candor. I am so happy that we both managed to build a life away from all of this! Heart!
I wish you could see what I see when I look at you. Hand holding? Always! Hugs forever. Thanks
Thank you for your beautiful words, Frank! I forever appreciate your support!
My doctor says I've but two weeks to live ....
I've never been, um, "intimate" with a woman.
Can I sink the shaft of my cock twixt your velvety-soft, stiff-nippled tits ...??
BEST,
C.
🙂