Recognizing Transformation
Being grateful for those hard moments that show us just how much we've changed
Content warning: Narcissistic Abuse
I was only a short 11-minute drive away, so I didn’t see any reason to leave the hotel early. I called for my car at 10:30 am sure I would make the 10:45 am meeting. I hadn’t anticipated how long it would take for my driver to pick me up. To my defense, I haven’t lived in Shanghai for the past three months and forgot how bad the traffic could get. I knew Him had Chinese class at 11:00 am. I grabbed my phone and opened WeChat. My fingers flew across the keyboard letting him know that I would arrive closer to 10:50 am. Him replied, “Don’t be later that 10:50 am. I have class at 11:00.” Here we go. I responded to his text by informing him that I was well aware of what time his class starts. “Well, if you know, then respect my time!” I was a bit surprised at Him’s aggression seeing as how we had been cordial (for the most part) in the few interactions we had over the past months. Truth was, he owed me more than $4,000 so I played nice to get it back. “Look,” I wrote, “I have waited months and months patiently for you to pay me back. I haven’t been an asshole about it. Please don’t be a dick to me now. I apologize for underestimating Shanghai traffic. Worst case scenario, leave the envelope at the front desk and I’ll get it from the girls.” After a few minutes, four words flashed across my phone, “It’s Ok. I’ll wait.” I had the whole interaction planned in my head. I envisioned Him handing over the envelope. No muss, no fuss. I would look into his icy blue eyes and say, “Nice life,” before turning and walking away forever. I would take the high road. I would be cordial. I would be polite. What I didn’t know, but should have, is that Him envisioned something else completely.
My car pulled up to the curb, and I got out. He was standing across the street. I saw him and felt nothing. Not tinge of sadness over losing someone I staked so much of my future on. No anger at how he intentionally and with malice destroyed my Shanghai life. I felt nothing but indifference. Indifference is the flashing neon sign that shows us we are over a breakup, but make no mistake, we can be over the breakup while still being crumbled on the floor from the pain and trauma that ensued during the relationship. This is where I currently reside. Healing is a journey and indifference is an early stop along its path.
I made my way across the street. I looked up at him, said hello, and once again, apologized for my tardiness. Him did not engage in my pleasantries. Going straight to business he informed me that my SIM card was at the bottom of the envelope he was holding. “Thank you,” I began, “I’ll just let the ATM count the cash. It shouldn’t be a problem, but if there is anything wrong I’ll…” Him cut me off, “Great. We done then? Never fucking contact me again. Stay the FUCK away from me. Stay the FUCK away from my family. I fucking mean it!” And with that, he turned and walked away. What the actual fuck, I thought, before screaming in the middle of the Shanghai street, “Whatever…DICK!” And with that, I went to meet my dear friend Eva for brunch. I walked away feeling elated that this was finally over and that I got my money back, but also with stabs of pain in my heart and a mind screaming, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!
In truth, it took me a few hours to process this final moment that ended a 13-year friendship with a man who regarded himself as moon to my sun. I was told to be careful in this final meeting with him by someone who knew. I should have armored up, but I didn’t. Questions raced through my mind - Why did he attack me like that? and Why didn’t I expect it? As I processed, I came to understand what I had experienced in this last interaction. It was the last siege of face-to-face narcissistic abuse Him would dole out.
A Google search of narcissistic abuse yields 194,000,000 results in 0.27 seconds. The consensus is that narcissistic abuse can manifest as emotional, mental, physical, financial, sexual, or spiritual forms of abuse. Examples can include manipulation, verbal assaults, gaslighting, blame shifting, character assassination, sabotage, lying, neglect, physical assault, social isolation, and stonewalling/withholding. Narcissists are unwell individuals who, for whatever reason, live in a fragile state marked by exaggerated feelings of shame and inadequacy. They cannot face themselves and have failed to develop any kind of healthy identity. Instead they develop a “false self” that they protect at all costs through abusive coping mechanisms (see this article on Psychology Today for more information).
I have firsthand experience of living narcissistic abuse, first with my stepfather and now with Him. And, make no mistake, what I experienced WAS abuse. Case in point - this final interaction. Why did Him attack? Because that’s what narcissists do. I sat and questioned my reality, yet again, and then I realized what I experienced. It’s was the gaslighting and crazy making of narcissistic abuse. Let’s break this down:
Him asserted, “Never fucking contact me again!”
The only time I had been contacting him was for an update on the 30,000 yuan he owed me. I hadn’t messaged to see what was up or to inquire about his life because, and here is the raw truth, I couldn’t give a fuck about any facet of his life. Or death. Whenever that happens.
Him barked, “Stay the FUCK away from me!”
Him was already blocked on all my socials for months except WeChat until I was repaid, and now that I have been, he’s block on that platform as well. Not only was I not contacting and not coming near him in any sense, but I also actively stop him from having any access to my life. Him has left a string of women in his wake, and for all intents and purposes, each of them are dead to him. I am now too, and that is just fine with me. It’s worth stating that, out of these four woman (myself included), three of us all moved to different cities/countries to get away from Him, but I digress…
Him commanded, “Stay the FUCK away from my family. I fucking mean it!”
Here is where threats and isolation come in. I actually have a deep friendship with Him’s mother. I assume that terrifies him because he can’t control what I could or would say. It reeks of egocentrism because he assumes that me and his mother cannot have a relationship independent of him, which couldn’t be further from the truth. To protect the false image he has created for his family, I’d better “stay the fuck away…” or else? How else should I interpret, “I fucking mean it,” other than to cause fear and intimidation?
I have seen what he can do. I remember the morning Him learned that I sent his mother a video of us at KTV and Him singing Radiohead’s Creep. I cut the video before he sang the lyric, “So fucking special…” because I knew his mother didn’t want to hear that language. It was a great video of Him having a wonderful time, so of course, his mother shared it to their family group chat. Him was LIVID and berated me for about 30 minutes about “What the fuck was I thinking?” and “How could I do such a thing?” He refused to hear or believe that I didn’t record him singing a swear word until he was calm enough to watch the video himself. He never apologized for overreacting or for the awful things he said about me that morning.
I have lived through what he did. Read my piece Let’s Start at the Ending here. If I didn’t stay away from his mother…end our online friendship, how would he retaliate?So do I suddenly and without explanation ghost Him’s mother? Do I let him win? No. Instead I will let his mother drive the relationship because I love her, and I would never do anything to come between her and her son. Her loyalty is to Him, as sick as he may be, he is still her son. Still, he doesn’t get to dictate who I have in my life or who she has in hers. Him does not control the universe.
So, dear Reader, how does all of this speak to transformation? Let me tell you. In the months I experienced narcissistic abuse, and let me just say how incredibly grateful I am that is was only months and not years, I would question my reality for days and weeks; gaslighting was one of Him’s most employed tactics. I would drive myself crazy trying to figure out what I did wrong and how valid Him’s assertions of me actually were. I mean, this was a man I loved and trusted. Someone I had always known to be wickedly intelligent and reliably rational. Since I was the “emotional one,” I took it on face value that I was the problem. For months and months, Him’s gaslighting worked.
Not that day, though.
Yes, I did question my reality, but not for long because these days, I have a robust bag of tools that I use for my healing. First and foremost, I run to safety by trusting myself and my perceptions (see my piece - The Aftermath Part 3 - on safety, joy, and peace here). Second, instead of self-isolating with Him, I surround myself with people I love and who love me. I knew this last meeting would be difficult and that I might need support. I was alone with my thoughts for less than five minutes before meeting my sister-friend par excellence. I don’t know where I would be without Eva in my life because she is undeniably, and has been since I was her daughter’s kindergarten teacher in 2016, my biggest support and greatest cheerleader. I met Eva on a busy street corner immediately and together we deposited my money, cancelled the extra phone line I opened for Him, and went to eat. She allowed another friend, my ex-boyfriend bestie Bryan, to join us. Both of them gave me the time and space to process what just happened. As a verbal processor…as someone who NEEDS to talk it out, there is no better gift, and while I am extremely grateful to these two for what they gave me that day, I am also proud of myself for making wise investments in who I pour my time and love into. Why? Because social life has not been an area where I make good choices. But that has changed because I have changed. I am transformed.
Here’s what I took away from that final interaction with Him: My reality is just fine, and when I arrived at that conclusion, that’s when I realized Him tried fucking with a different person. It was the sweet ah-ha moment when Him’s attack failed because I wasn’t the same woman he manipulated, abused, and future-faked. I was no longer the woman who paced and pondered, who wondered if she was crazy.
No.
Today, I am a different woman.
I am a woman who knows she isn’t crazy.
I am a woman who knows she is loved.
I am a woman who is strong and has boundaries.
I am a woman who can walk away laughing because Him’s bullets ricocheted.
And that, dear Reader, is how I recognized my transformation.
Leave a comment and tell me how have you recognized your transformation.
Yes you are a women!! A women who should AWAYS hold you head up high. Higher than anyone! A women who is worth than anything that is meant to hurt you! You are that women Lori. All that and more!! Now take a little Olof that $$ and buy Lori a little something to reflect on that wonderful, smart, caring, talented , women you are/!!!